You were not much more than that to most people. The Dr.'s and nurses at the hospital were so callous when I came in bleeding and crying just knowing that the worst was yet to come.
I knew about you for 5 days. 5 amazing, wonderful days full of hope and the promise of what would be. During those 5 days I had this constant nagging thought..."you will lose this baby." I always pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking it was just a "new mom worry".
But it wasn't. And we lost you.
To me, you were my child, my baby, my son or daughter. I was so damned excited I told EVERYONE we were expecting you only to have to tell them all 5 days later that there would be no baby.
I was so sad.
I sobbed often...I felt like my whole world was falling apart. The grief was so intense at times that I thought I would implode.
I remember seeing butterflies EVERYWHERE after you left and I would think of the story I read about butterflies being the souls of children no longer with us...it brought me comfort everytime. I knew you were watching over me and letting me know you were ok so I could go on.
Gradually it got better and two months later you sent me your brother. I was sooo scared I would fail with him too. But you kept him safe. You watched over us and made sure we were ok.
I still think of you often, even 6 years later. I love you whole-heartedly and look forward to the day we will meet. I just know you're so beautiful!!
Love Momma xo
I swear this could have been written by me. Thank you for saying what I couldn't....
Posted by: Jackie | 11/13/2009 at 10:42 AM
My God. Bless your heart and soul. He was a baby.
Posted by: jen | 11/17/2009 at 10:03 PM